"It's the end of the world as we know it..."
Well, it's been a month already. I can't really believe it, that I've been a widow for a month. It feels like just yesterday, but also a lifetime ago. I went back to work this past weekend, so we're finally moving on in some ways, getting out of this phase of just waiting around. There still a lot to get done in terms of paperwork and such, but it is nice to get back into our routine. I'm not sure yet about the actual working part of it, I love my job but it leaves me with A LOT of time in my own head, and that's not always a good thing.
Wanting to get away from it all, I read a couple of books, but they maybe weren't the best choices. Normally, subject matter doesn't affect me at all, I can usually read about any subject. Now, obviously, I wasn't going to pick up a book about loss, or grief, or something like that. But the two books I read ended up affecting me like I would not have thought they would. I read Age of Miracles by Karen Thompson Walker and Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel. Both of these book are post apocalyptic in nature, but unlike The Hunger Games or Divergent, these two books tell the end of the world as it's happening, one with a virus that kills 99.9% of mankind, and the other with the slowing of the earths rotation. Normally, they wouldn't even have made me think twice about life, since obviously life moves on as normal. For most people. For me, it really has been the end of the world as I know it. So many things remain the same, dinner at moms, and going to the park. Going to the gym, and church, and grocery shopping. But it's also completely different. I'm learning how to navigate in this completely alien world.
I'm all alone, in so many ways that I'm not used to any more. Bedtime and birthday parties, not being able to just run to the store and leave the boys with Dave. I have to worry about everything now, when before Dave took care of everything. I was very lucky in that aspect, but now I have all the bills and insurance and stuff to worry about. I feel like I'm the stranger in my own world sometimes. While in the middle of these books, Station Eleven especially, I was starting to get the feeling like maybe I wasn't going to make it in this new world. Of course I did and will continue to, but with the heaviness of the subject matter, it really made me feel like life was such a sure thing anymore. Which of course it's not, I think Daves death has taught us all that for sure. Which is all the more reason to keep on living, and getting up every day, and enjoying what we have, because you really don't know when it will all be taken away from you. The entire landscape changed so you no longer recognize the world around you. But even then, you take what you know and make the best of it. You find the little things to live for, mine are my children, among other things.
We're surviving, for now. But someday, it will be more than that I hope. Because "Survival is insufficient."
Monday, August 3, 2015
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
As I'm sure you all know, this sucks...
Well, this blog is going to take a depressing turn for a bit. But only people who know me follow it, and you all know what's going on anyway. I just thought I might as well use it as a voice to express myself right now, and a lot of what I'm going through has to do with being a mom, so it's all the same.
To start off, I have to just state the obvious. This sucks. For those of you that don't know, my husband of almost 4 years passed away very unexpectedly on July 3rd. He was in the hospital sick with what we thought was viral meningitis, and developed a staph infection in his blood, which went into his brain and killed his brain stem. It was shocking and heartbreaking and sudden and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It may be melodramatic, but it's true. Dave was my best friend, my other half, my partner for life. We were those silly kids who said we would never divorce, that we were set for life. We were scarily the same person so much of the time, like, literally finishing each others thoughts. We had so much in common, like music and movies and politics, and we both would choose to hang to with each other over anyone else. I don't know many other relationships like that.
I'm not saying things were perfect, they were not, but they also weren't bad. We had our issues, like I loved camping, and he HATED it, but he went for me, and for AJ, who I had already brought over to the dark side. I could not care less about most things car related, but that doesn't mean I didn't listen to him talk about them for hours on end. Or tag along as he went to drive something new and fast. We disagreed about certain things, but never fought for long. I would take any one of those days that we were arguing over any of these days though. He always used to tell me that our worst days together were better than our best days apart. And I agree.
These days suck. These days are busy with all the crap I have to do now, accounts to close, things to apply for, appointments to made. They are also full of the things we have always done, going to the gym, playdates, having dinner with my parents, to try and give AJ's life a little bit of normalcy, not to mention distract me from this shit storm once in awhile. But I still find myself wondering how his day at work is going, until I remember. I go to bed after tucking the boys in, (alone) because sometimes sleeping is better than sitting alone on front of the TV. Late night was always our time to finally be alone together. And now it's understandably depressing. I'm surrounded by love and support on so many sides, family, friends, church, gym, Daves co-workers and high school friends, but despite all of that, I am unbearably lonely.
I've been inundated with delicious meals, and absolutely blessed by the generosity of people who loved and knew Dave, and even those who didn't. So many offers to help that I wouldn't know where to start if I was the type to ask, but I'm not. This is all so overwhelming, and confusing. Somedays I feel ok, like life will go on, I will get through this, ever the realist. And some days it buries me in despair, not just the missing him, which is endless, but the stress and the single parenting, which is it's own craptastic adventure. I'll do my best to keep updating this blog now, letting you all know "How I'm doing..." , the worlds most asked question. I generally answer that we're doing ok, or as well as can be expected, those answers are the most true. I'm not one to tell people how bad it really is, but sometimes, it's terrible. People keep telling me how strong I am, and I try, but just FYI, this really F*ing sucks.
To start off, I have to just state the obvious. This sucks. For those of you that don't know, my husband of almost 4 years passed away very unexpectedly on July 3rd. He was in the hospital sick with what we thought was viral meningitis, and developed a staph infection in his blood, which went into his brain and killed his brain stem. It was shocking and heartbreaking and sudden and the worst thing that has ever happened to me. It may be melodramatic, but it's true. Dave was my best friend, my other half, my partner for life. We were those silly kids who said we would never divorce, that we were set for life. We were scarily the same person so much of the time, like, literally finishing each others thoughts. We had so much in common, like music and movies and politics, and we both would choose to hang to with each other over anyone else. I don't know many other relationships like that.
I'm not saying things were perfect, they were not, but they also weren't bad. We had our issues, like I loved camping, and he HATED it, but he went for me, and for AJ, who I had already brought over to the dark side. I could not care less about most things car related, but that doesn't mean I didn't listen to him talk about them for hours on end. Or tag along as he went to drive something new and fast. We disagreed about certain things, but never fought for long. I would take any one of those days that we were arguing over any of these days though. He always used to tell me that our worst days together were better than our best days apart. And I agree.
These days suck. These days are busy with all the crap I have to do now, accounts to close, things to apply for, appointments to made. They are also full of the things we have always done, going to the gym, playdates, having dinner with my parents, to try and give AJ's life a little bit of normalcy, not to mention distract me from this shit storm once in awhile. But I still find myself wondering how his day at work is going, until I remember. I go to bed after tucking the boys in, (alone) because sometimes sleeping is better than sitting alone on front of the TV. Late night was always our time to finally be alone together. And now it's understandably depressing. I'm surrounded by love and support on so many sides, family, friends, church, gym, Daves co-workers and high school friends, but despite all of that, I am unbearably lonely.
I've been inundated with delicious meals, and absolutely blessed by the generosity of people who loved and knew Dave, and even those who didn't. So many offers to help that I wouldn't know where to start if I was the type to ask, but I'm not. This is all so overwhelming, and confusing. Somedays I feel ok, like life will go on, I will get through this, ever the realist. And some days it buries me in despair, not just the missing him, which is endless, but the stress and the single parenting, which is it's own craptastic adventure. I'll do my best to keep updating this blog now, letting you all know "How I'm doing..." , the worlds most asked question. I generally answer that we're doing ok, or as well as can be expected, those answers are the most true. I'm not one to tell people how bad it really is, but sometimes, it's terrible. People keep telling me how strong I am, and I try, but just FYI, this really F*ing sucks.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
How much do I love my job...
Can I just tell you how much I love my job?! I feel like I hear so many people complain about their jobs these days. They hate their job, they hate their coworkers, they hate the time away from their families, they hate the pay. But I just wanted to take a few and put it out there how much I really do love my job.
I never dreamed of being a massage therapist as a child, I mean, who does? But the opportunity arose, and it turned out to be something I am really good at and I enjoy, (for the most part.) I love that I can work part time and make close to full time money. I am able to stay home with AJ most of the time, and still take care of him and the house and cook dinner every night, even if it's in the crock pot. Yes, he goes to the sitter maybe 10 hours a week, but truthfully, he loves it! Our sitter is a stay-at-home mom with a boy his age, and they just love each other. It gives us a good break from each other too, being around anyone 24/7, even my beautiful child, can make anyone want a minute to themselves. So I like working a bit every day, and coming home to a smiling child who is crazy happy to see me! It's worth leaving for, to get that super hug and sloppy kisses.
I also just really love my job. Where I work in particular, not just what I do. I work for a wonderful spa, it has great energy and is just such a relaxing place to work. We have a great owner, whom I love working for. I have to admit, I also really like being the boss. Like anyone who has ever met me is surprised by that sentence. Yes, I like being in charge, in control. I may have a smidge of a control problem. BUT, I like being in charge because it makes me reign that in a little, I have to be diplomatic and work well with others. As much as I maybe want to punch people in the face when they make poor choices, I can't do that. I have to be nice, and explain and train them so it doesn't happen again. Discipline is not my favorite part of the job of course, but it has to happen.
The other great thing about my job is that I get to do the hiring and training. I love that part! I have always enjoyed training, I like showing people how to do thing the right way (my way) lol. Plus, hiring massage therapists means that I get a massage every time I interview someone. Let me tell you, this is not a job where you can just hire someone who interviews well. You have to have the touch, as well as good time management and intuition, and the only way to test those is to receive a massage. So that's definitely a plus. I've been pretty fortunate to have only had 2 bad interview massages out of about 10.
And can I tell you about the people I work with?! I have an amazing team of leads that I get to work with and I love them! We get along so well, we seriously have that mutual respect that allows us to all be heard and taken seriously. My "work wife" Amanda and I are such a great team. Together we have hired an awesome team of therapists who do us proud, (99% of the time). Seriously, sometimes it's like working with toddlers, but for the most part they are fantastic.
My job is not perfect of course, but it makes me really happy. I am sorry for everyone I know who doesn't feel the same about their jobs. I don't know that this what I want to do for the rest of my life, I'm 31 and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but this is great for now.
I never dreamed of being a massage therapist as a child, I mean, who does? But the opportunity arose, and it turned out to be something I am really good at and I enjoy, (for the most part.) I love that I can work part time and make close to full time money. I am able to stay home with AJ most of the time, and still take care of him and the house and cook dinner every night, even if it's in the crock pot. Yes, he goes to the sitter maybe 10 hours a week, but truthfully, he loves it! Our sitter is a stay-at-home mom with a boy his age, and they just love each other. It gives us a good break from each other too, being around anyone 24/7, even my beautiful child, can make anyone want a minute to themselves. So I like working a bit every day, and coming home to a smiling child who is crazy happy to see me! It's worth leaving for, to get that super hug and sloppy kisses.
I also just really love my job. Where I work in particular, not just what I do. I work for a wonderful spa, it has great energy and is just such a relaxing place to work. We have a great owner, whom I love working for. I have to admit, I also really like being the boss. Like anyone who has ever met me is surprised by that sentence. Yes, I like being in charge, in control. I may have a smidge of a control problem. BUT, I like being in charge because it makes me reign that in a little, I have to be diplomatic and work well with others. As much as I maybe want to punch people in the face when they make poor choices, I can't do that. I have to be nice, and explain and train them so it doesn't happen again. Discipline is not my favorite part of the job of course, but it has to happen.
The other great thing about my job is that I get to do the hiring and training. I love that part! I have always enjoyed training, I like showing people how to do thing the right way (my way) lol. Plus, hiring massage therapists means that I get a massage every time I interview someone. Let me tell you, this is not a job where you can just hire someone who interviews well. You have to have the touch, as well as good time management and intuition, and the only way to test those is to receive a massage. So that's definitely a plus. I've been pretty fortunate to have only had 2 bad interview massages out of about 10.
And can I tell you about the people I work with?! I have an amazing team of leads that I get to work with and I love them! We get along so well, we seriously have that mutual respect that allows us to all be heard and taken seriously. My "work wife" Amanda and I are such a great team. Together we have hired an awesome team of therapists who do us proud, (99% of the time). Seriously, sometimes it's like working with toddlers, but for the most part they are fantastic.
My job is not perfect of course, but it makes me really happy. I am sorry for everyone I know who doesn't feel the same about their jobs. I don't know that this what I want to do for the rest of my life, I'm 31 and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but this is great for now.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Happy Holidays being over!!!!
Happy Holidays, but even better, happy holidays being over! This Monday, as all of my teacher friends, my mother and my husband were lamenting going back to work, I was doing a little dance of joy. Actual a big dance for joy, an ecstatic crazy dance welcoming Monday, a normal, regular, back-to-my-routine Monday.
I really love the holidays, I really do, but it seems like it has gotten so crazy with plans and parties and shopping and cooking. I love it all, but man, was it on overload this year. Here is some of the craziness that we had going on.
We hosted 3 parties, my company party, Christmas day and a New Years Eve fiesta. I love to host parties, I feel I'm pretty good at it. I don't go all fancy schmancy, but I throw a good shin-dig. I love planning a menu and cooking, making desserts and appetizers. For our work party, I made tiramisu, which was just ok, and a jalapeno popper dip, which is the best thing I've ever eaten. My boss provided beer, wine, soda and Famous Dave's BBQ, which was fantastic. We had a dirty Santa game, with nice gifts. I hate the ones where people bring crap. I have enough crap, I don't want yours. Anyway, we were seriously a bunch of old ladies, fighting over a couple of really cool teapots, and some homemade body products . After all the "cool" people left, the really cool people got down to business with some Dance Central, and Cards Against Humanity. It was pretty epic. Dave likes to sit and watch, (and laugh) as people dance and make fools of themselves, but then once forced to partake, he wipes the floor with everyone.
Christmas Eve came, and was too full for my liking. Everyone ended up having to work, except Dad, who was making our magnificent dinner, so AJ spent the day with our sitters family. I worked for most of the day, and got off a little early to finish my shopping, and rush AJ to Christmas Eve service at church. Well, that was not as calming and soul soothing as it normally is for me. Taking a toddler to church is like bathing a cat, or nailing jello to a tree, or holding a tornado. It is not a fun experience. He enjoyed the puppet show, and as much as I know that I need to take him, it was not my idea of a good time. After that, we had a quiet and amazing dinner at my parents house, just my little family and one brother. It was a quiet moment in the month.
Our second big party was Christmas day, although there was much less frivolity. AJ didn't even wake up until 8:30, and we didn't even start on presents until 10. It was pretty nice, and we are well aware that it will not last. After presents and breakfast burritos, we cleaned up a bit and got ready for my sister in laws family to join us. The day was beautiful, and the boys actually played football in the street, which led to much bemoaning of how old they were getting. We switched dinner up a little this year, with smoked turkey and ribs, mac and cheese, Chinese coleslaw, deviled eggs and fruit salad. Dessert was a buffet of our Christmas cookies. It was delish, and pretty low key, which was nice. We left the next days for 3 days in La Junta with Dave's family. It was lovely actually, I took a much needed nap, and AJ was thoroughly loved on and enchanted by his grandparents and great grandparents.
New Years Eve was supposed to be just a few friends, for games and dinner, something we did at Colleens last year, but it turned into more of a party. I made fajitas, Spanish rice, homemade salsa and guac, (even though I worked all day), and my mom made black beans and blackberry margaritas, which were amazing. We played games, and partied like only middle age people can. Babies were snuggled and put to bed, kisses were given at midnight and the parents went home. After they left, we played a bit of Quelf with the Oakes' and our friend Mason. I've pretty much decided that game only exists to make people look like giant idiots. Which we did.
After all these fun amazing times, of course I got sick and have been struggling with that for a week now. I hate being sick, it doesn't happen very often, but it really hits me when it does. I had all these grandiose plans of getting the house clean and organized during all of our time off, but that happened very slowly. I would get a wild hair to clean an entire room, and Dave would find me exhausted halfway through. I hate not having the energy to get stuff done. But I eventually got most of it done, although our tree is still sitting in the living room, all boxed up and waiting to head to the basement.
So anyway, long story later, I'm very happy to see this side of the holidays, ready to make some life improvements, dare we say resolutions, and get back to normal life. No more crazy shopping, maybe just one party a month, lol, and some downtime with the family. I think I'm going to work on not spreading myself so thin, I know I take on too much, so I'm going to try and nip that in the bud. Happy 2014, happiness and health to all, and May the Odds be Ever In your Favor!
I really love the holidays, I really do, but it seems like it has gotten so crazy with plans and parties and shopping and cooking. I love it all, but man, was it on overload this year. Here is some of the craziness that we had going on.
We hosted 3 parties, my company party, Christmas day and a New Years Eve fiesta. I love to host parties, I feel I'm pretty good at it. I don't go all fancy schmancy, but I throw a good shin-dig. I love planning a menu and cooking, making desserts and appetizers. For our work party, I made tiramisu, which was just ok, and a jalapeno popper dip, which is the best thing I've ever eaten. My boss provided beer, wine, soda and Famous Dave's BBQ, which was fantastic. We had a dirty Santa game, with nice gifts. I hate the ones where people bring crap. I have enough crap, I don't want yours. Anyway, we were seriously a bunch of old ladies, fighting over a couple of really cool teapots, and some homemade body products . After all the "cool" people left, the really cool people got down to business with some Dance Central, and Cards Against Humanity. It was pretty epic. Dave likes to sit and watch, (and laugh) as people dance and make fools of themselves, but then once forced to partake, he wipes the floor with everyone.
Christmas Eve came, and was too full for my liking. Everyone ended up having to work, except Dad, who was making our magnificent dinner, so AJ spent the day with our sitters family. I worked for most of the day, and got off a little early to finish my shopping, and rush AJ to Christmas Eve service at church. Well, that was not as calming and soul soothing as it normally is for me. Taking a toddler to church is like bathing a cat, or nailing jello to a tree, or holding a tornado. It is not a fun experience. He enjoyed the puppet show, and as much as I know that I need to take him, it was not my idea of a good time. After that, we had a quiet and amazing dinner at my parents house, just my little family and one brother. It was a quiet moment in the month.
Our second big party was Christmas day, although there was much less frivolity. AJ didn't even wake up until 8:30, and we didn't even start on presents until 10. It was pretty nice, and we are well aware that it will not last. After presents and breakfast burritos, we cleaned up a bit and got ready for my sister in laws family to join us. The day was beautiful, and the boys actually played football in the street, which led to much bemoaning of how old they were getting. We switched dinner up a little this year, with smoked turkey and ribs, mac and cheese, Chinese coleslaw, deviled eggs and fruit salad. Dessert was a buffet of our Christmas cookies. It was delish, and pretty low key, which was nice. We left the next days for 3 days in La Junta with Dave's family. It was lovely actually, I took a much needed nap, and AJ was thoroughly loved on and enchanted by his grandparents and great grandparents.
New Years Eve was supposed to be just a few friends, for games and dinner, something we did at Colleens last year, but it turned into more of a party. I made fajitas, Spanish rice, homemade salsa and guac, (even though I worked all day), and my mom made black beans and blackberry margaritas, which were amazing. We played games, and partied like only middle age people can. Babies were snuggled and put to bed, kisses were given at midnight and the parents went home. After they left, we played a bit of Quelf with the Oakes' and our friend Mason. I've pretty much decided that game only exists to make people look like giant idiots. Which we did.
After all these fun amazing times, of course I got sick and have been struggling with that for a week now. I hate being sick, it doesn't happen very often, but it really hits me when it does. I had all these grandiose plans of getting the house clean and organized during all of our time off, but that happened very slowly. I would get a wild hair to clean an entire room, and Dave would find me exhausted halfway through. I hate not having the energy to get stuff done. But I eventually got most of it done, although our tree is still sitting in the living room, all boxed up and waiting to head to the basement.
So anyway, long story later, I'm very happy to see this side of the holidays, ready to make some life improvements, dare we say resolutions, and get back to normal life. No more crazy shopping, maybe just one party a month, lol, and some downtime with the family. I think I'm going to work on not spreading myself so thin, I know I take on too much, so I'm going to try and nip that in the bud. Happy 2014, happiness and health to all, and May the Odds be Ever In your Favor!
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Mommy time
I read a story a few weeks ago about a mom that took a sabbatical from her family for ten days. She traveled out of the country be herself to recharge her batteries. She and her husband claimed that absence truly does make the heart grow fonder and that their relationship is even better now. I don't think this is crazy, I think it's kind of genius.
I kind of understand how she feels. Not that I don't love my family. I love them so much, I don't know who I would be without them. My husband is truly my best friend, and I'm not saying that to be cheesy, he really is. I would always choose to hang out with him and AJ than with anyone else, but I know we also have friends and family that love us and need our attention. And AJ is such an awesome, amazing child, I pinch my self regularly because I cannot believe how blessed I am to be his mommy. He is so smart and loving and silly and crazy and sometimes challenging. So sometimes, yes, I'm glad to have a few hours away.
We need breaks from each other. I've always known I wanted to be a mother, and hopefully a stay-at-home mom. Truthfully though, I am grateful that I can work part time at a job that I love, and spend most of my time with him. But there is such a thing as too much time together. When I go to work, he gets to go to the sitters and play with other little boys his age, and I get a few hours without someone pulling on my pant legs. When I get home from work, we are so happy to see each other, he runs from the other side of the house to jump into my arms and say hi. That is the best feeling ever.
But is it terrible that sometimes I take him to the sitters early so I can go get a pedicure and eat lunch by myself? I relish eating meals alone, not having to hover over my plate like a prison inmate. I am all about sharing, but when he's already eaten, and he comes and takes one bite out of each strawberry on my plate, it bothers me. I guess that sounds kind of selfish. But sometimes it would be nice to eat my own meal in peace.
I also find myself dreaming of a king size bed all to myself. This is not just because of AJ. He actually rarely sleeps with us, but sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night and asks to sleep in our room, and who can say no to that cute, snugly, sleepy little angel? Not I. So yes, sometimes he sleeps the rest of the night in our bed, which is great for cuddling, but not for mommy getting any sleep. A- I just don't sleep very well with him because I am just too aware of him and his movements, and B- I always get the feet/butt end of him. Of course Dave likes sleeping with him, because they share a pillow all cuteness overload, but I get kicked in the face all night. By him and one, if not two, dogs. I am left with one foot on the edge of the bed, scrambling to hang on. I have seriously contemplated sleeping in the guest room, but I know that at least the dogs would follow, so I just stay and hope for a nap the next day.
I feel bad leaving him with my parents on the weekends sometimes to have a date night also. Even though I know they love having him, and that he enjoys being there, I feel guilty if he's there two weekends in a row. We say no to plans with friends sometimes to hang out at home with him, but we also know that it's important to our marriage and relationship that we have time together alone. I love having date night and getting my husbands full attention, which is hard to get sometimes. I fully believe in the quote by I-don't-know-who that says, "The best thing a father can do for his son is love his mother" To teach him how to love and treat a woman, and also that our world doesn't really revolve around him, as much as some people think it should.
What I'm trying to say in this rambling blog, is that I think time to ourselves is healthy and necessary and normal to want. I would love to be able to travel WITHOUT my children, someday, not now, but someday. To be able to leave them in capable, loving hands and go away, and miss them like crazy, and come back to them refreshed and recharged and renewed in my motherly purpose in life. And is my favorite time of day nap time? Yep, pretty much, and any mother of a toddler who says different is probably lying. My day is so full of fun and busy, that those two hours of peace are bliss. Now, do I feel guilty saying all of this? Yes, of course I do. This brings on the baby guilt, which is a topic for another blog, but I feel horrible wishing for a minute to myself, so I don't really say anything, and just grin and bear it. But someday, I'll be on a beach, just me and a pina colada...and maybe Dave ;)
I kind of understand how she feels. Not that I don't love my family. I love them so much, I don't know who I would be without them. My husband is truly my best friend, and I'm not saying that to be cheesy, he really is. I would always choose to hang out with him and AJ than with anyone else, but I know we also have friends and family that love us and need our attention. And AJ is such an awesome, amazing child, I pinch my self regularly because I cannot believe how blessed I am to be his mommy. He is so smart and loving and silly and crazy and sometimes challenging. So sometimes, yes, I'm glad to have a few hours away.
We need breaks from each other. I've always known I wanted to be a mother, and hopefully a stay-at-home mom. Truthfully though, I am grateful that I can work part time at a job that I love, and spend most of my time with him. But there is such a thing as too much time together. When I go to work, he gets to go to the sitters and play with other little boys his age, and I get a few hours without someone pulling on my pant legs. When I get home from work, we are so happy to see each other, he runs from the other side of the house to jump into my arms and say hi. That is the best feeling ever.
But is it terrible that sometimes I take him to the sitters early so I can go get a pedicure and eat lunch by myself? I relish eating meals alone, not having to hover over my plate like a prison inmate. I am all about sharing, but when he's already eaten, and he comes and takes one bite out of each strawberry on my plate, it bothers me. I guess that sounds kind of selfish. But sometimes it would be nice to eat my own meal in peace.
I also find myself dreaming of a king size bed all to myself. This is not just because of AJ. He actually rarely sleeps with us, but sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night and asks to sleep in our room, and who can say no to that cute, snugly, sleepy little angel? Not I. So yes, sometimes he sleeps the rest of the night in our bed, which is great for cuddling, but not for mommy getting any sleep. A- I just don't sleep very well with him because I am just too aware of him and his movements, and B- I always get the feet/butt end of him. Of course Dave likes sleeping with him, because they share a pillow all cuteness overload, but I get kicked in the face all night. By him and one, if not two, dogs. I am left with one foot on the edge of the bed, scrambling to hang on. I have seriously contemplated sleeping in the guest room, but I know that at least the dogs would follow, so I just stay and hope for a nap the next day.
I feel bad leaving him with my parents on the weekends sometimes to have a date night also. Even though I know they love having him, and that he enjoys being there, I feel guilty if he's there two weekends in a row. We say no to plans with friends sometimes to hang out at home with him, but we also know that it's important to our marriage and relationship that we have time together alone. I love having date night and getting my husbands full attention, which is hard to get sometimes. I fully believe in the quote by I-don't-know-who that says, "The best thing a father can do for his son is love his mother" To teach him how to love and treat a woman, and also that our world doesn't really revolve around him, as much as some people think it should.
What I'm trying to say in this rambling blog, is that I think time to ourselves is healthy and necessary and normal to want. I would love to be able to travel WITHOUT my children, someday, not now, but someday. To be able to leave them in capable, loving hands and go away, and miss them like crazy, and come back to them refreshed and recharged and renewed in my motherly purpose in life. And is my favorite time of day nap time? Yep, pretty much, and any mother of a toddler who says different is probably lying. My day is so full of fun and busy, that those two hours of peace are bliss. Now, do I feel guilty saying all of this? Yes, of course I do. This brings on the baby guilt, which is a topic for another blog, but I feel horrible wishing for a minute to myself, so I don't really say anything, and just grin and bear it. But someday, I'll be on a beach, just me and a pina colada...and maybe Dave ;)
Thursday, November 21, 2013
The book is always better...
Recently we went to see Enders Game with a group of friends, which was fantastic and exciting and thoroughly captivating. Asa Butterfield, who portrays Ender, is just so watchable. His face is just magic, which is good since there are a lot of close ups of it in the movie. Neither Dave or I had ever read Enders Game, while the other 3 people had. It was unanimously loved by all. However, my brother, who loves this book series beyond all others, is very skeptical as to whether the movie can live up to the book. My argument to that is always, "It never will. The movie will never be better than the book."
(Seriously, look at that face!)
There are many times when I love the movies or show made from a book, and sometimes when they just doesn't do it justice. But most of the time, you just can't compare the two. You have to take them as two separate entities, and enjoy them individually. Not many of us actually understand the film making process and everything that goes into it, but you have to know that there is no way to fit everything from a 500-800 page book into a 2 hour or less movie. Sometimes things have to be cut, things that may seem to be important details to us, but are insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Now, I do find that a TV show adaptation can ring a little more true to the book, depending on creative producers, because they have more time to let the story unfold. This is especially true for series. Dave let's this get to him sometimes, but I have learned to appreciate the movie for what it is, not a comparison to the book. It'll never live up. Here are some of my favorite adaptations, and a few of the details that we noticed.
Harry Potter: Obviously, my number one, my favorite book series. I could do a whole blog post comparing all these movies, and their different styles and directors, but I won't. I loved the series as a whole, although some were better than others. The one detail that I wish had been included was Hermione's S.P.E.W. campaign. She has this passion for the welfare of the house elves from Chamber of Secrets on. And while it's not the house elves that I really missed, SPEW is what leads to Ron and Hermione's first kiss, a moment in the book that always makes me cry, and just wasn't quite as special in the movie.
The Hunger Games: I am so excited to go see Catching Fire in a few weeks with the same group of friends. We actually saw The Hunger Games when AJ was 9 days old. It was the middle of the day, and he just nursed and slept through it. Dave and I were so excited about it that we couldn't wait any longer to see it, and I didn't want to leave AJ yet. I thought it was fantastically done, and the casting was magnificent. Literally, the only problem Dave had with it was that the wrong person gave Katniss her Mockingjay pin. I can over look that, knowing that they had to cut out some parts. It doesn't lend to the overall story arc, so I'm OK with it. Even as I'm rereading Catching Fire in preparation, I can see that Madge, the Mayors daughter, isn't a very large part of the book, but there is some history to the mockingjay pin that is lost. Those kinds of details are hard to catch in a movie anyway.
The Game of Thrones: While not a movie, this show being produced on HBO is so perfectly adapted from the books. That's what happens when the author maintains creative authority over the show. George R.R. Martin has written such a detailed and meticulously intricate world in Westeros, and the show is truly worthy of the book. I'm sure that there are details that have been left out, but none that matter. What actually matters, is that the show is true to the books, even when that is an unpopular choice amongst viewers. The most popular character is killed off in the first season, and it was a shock to all that hadn't yet read it. I did read the book after that season, and saw that Starks death in a necessity for the rest of the story to unravel as it's supposed to. Martin isn't afraid to kill off characters, and I'm glad he's on board.
True Blood (aka The Sookie Stackhouse Novels): Unlike Martin, Charlaine Harris, the author of these southern vampire novels that are so delicious to devour, did not choose to be involved in the series on HBO that was adapted from the books. In the first book, a character who came to be very popular on the show was supposed to die, and did not, because truthfully, they probably would have lost viewers. While True Blood is still one of my favorite shows, it has veered so far from the book series, that it is hardly recognizable as the same.
And finally, the Outlander Series by Diana Gabaldon: I cannot wait for my favorite series (besides Harry Potter) to FINALLY be brought to life on Starz next year! It is currently in production, I've seen casting, and thus far, it looks like it will make fans happy.
What are some of your favorite or least favorite book adaptations?
There are many times when I love the movies or show made from a book, and sometimes when they just doesn't do it justice. But most of the time, you just can't compare the two. You have to take them as two separate entities, and enjoy them individually. Not many of us actually understand the film making process and everything that goes into it, but you have to know that there is no way to fit everything from a 500-800 page book into a 2 hour or less movie. Sometimes things have to be cut, things that may seem to be important details to us, but are insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Now, I do find that a TV show adaptation can ring a little more true to the book, depending on creative producers, because they have more time to let the story unfold. This is especially true for series. Dave let's this get to him sometimes, but I have learned to appreciate the movie for what it is, not a comparison to the book. It'll never live up. Here are some of my favorite adaptations, and a few of the details that we noticed.
Harry Potter: Obviously, my number one, my favorite book series. I could do a whole blog post comparing all these movies, and their different styles and directors, but I won't. I loved the series as a whole, although some were better than others. The one detail that I wish had been included was Hermione's S.P.E.W. campaign. She has this passion for the welfare of the house elves from Chamber of Secrets on. And while it's not the house elves that I really missed, SPEW is what leads to Ron and Hermione's first kiss, a moment in the book that always makes me cry, and just wasn't quite as special in the movie.
The Hunger Games: I am so excited to go see Catching Fire in a few weeks with the same group of friends. We actually saw The Hunger Games when AJ was 9 days old. It was the middle of the day, and he just nursed and slept through it. Dave and I were so excited about it that we couldn't wait any longer to see it, and I didn't want to leave AJ yet. I thought it was fantastically done, and the casting was magnificent. Literally, the only problem Dave had with it was that the wrong person gave Katniss her Mockingjay pin. I can over look that, knowing that they had to cut out some parts. It doesn't lend to the overall story arc, so I'm OK with it. Even as I'm rereading Catching Fire in preparation, I can see that Madge, the Mayors daughter, isn't a very large part of the book, but there is some history to the mockingjay pin that is lost. Those kinds of details are hard to catch in a movie anyway.
The Game of Thrones: While not a movie, this show being produced on HBO is so perfectly adapted from the books. That's what happens when the author maintains creative authority over the show. George R.R. Martin has written such a detailed and meticulously intricate world in Westeros, and the show is truly worthy of the book. I'm sure that there are details that have been left out, but none that matter. What actually matters, is that the show is true to the books, even when that is an unpopular choice amongst viewers. The most popular character is killed off in the first season, and it was a shock to all that hadn't yet read it. I did read the book after that season, and saw that Starks death in a necessity for the rest of the story to unravel as it's supposed to. Martin isn't afraid to kill off characters, and I'm glad he's on board.
True Blood (aka The Sookie Stackhouse Novels): Unlike Martin, Charlaine Harris, the author of these southern vampire novels that are so delicious to devour, did not choose to be involved in the series on HBO that was adapted from the books. In the first book, a character who came to be very popular on the show was supposed to die, and did not, because truthfully, they probably would have lost viewers. While True Blood is still one of my favorite shows, it has veered so far from the book series, that it is hardly recognizable as the same.
And finally, the Outlander Series by Diana Gabaldon: I cannot wait for my favorite series (besides Harry Potter) to FINALLY be brought to life on Starz next year! It is currently in production, I've seen casting, and thus far, it looks like it will make fans happy.
What are some of your favorite or least favorite book adaptations?
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Throwback Thursday- My 30th Birthday!
I started this post a year ago (!) and I don't know why I never finished it, but I thought I would do so now. It was great reliving this memory!
I am going to start writing a new post topic for Thursdays. I'm going to revisit some memories and occasions that I have pics of from before I had a blog. We have had a lot happen in the last few years alone to take up quite a bit of blog space, so I want to share some with my readers, and maybe give more details about things than my Facebook status would. Some future events to be covered will include our wedding and honeymoon of course, but also our move to Hawai'i and back, and many other events. Look for these post about once a month.
First up, a recent fun time was my 30th birthday in October. The big 3 0h. I had been looking forward to my birthday for awhile. I like my birthday... make that LOVE my birthday. Ask my family, and they'll tell you I'm kind of a diva about it. It usually is a week long celebration of me, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. My birthday is in October, all by itself, while everyone else in my immediate family has birthdays in either March or July, just a few days apart. So, obviously, I milk it for all it's worth. And it's usually worth a few dinners out, a homemade one from Mom, and a day with my Hubby. We both took the day off this year, it was a Monday, so it was nice to hang out together.
Since it was my 30th, I wanted to do something fun and different. I love my husband, but he has a problem. He is the, "Well, I was gonna..." guy. Every year, I get a list of I was gonna's. He was gonna book this trip, he was gonna buy these tickets, he was gonna get me such and such, but for whatever reason didn't. It drives me absolutely bonkers! I don't want to hear about everything he was gonna do and didn't, because then I want those things, and we usually just end up going to the mall and out to eat. So this year I told him that I didn't care what we did or where we went, I just wanted him to make a plan. That's all I asked for, him to make a plan. So he did, but he has a thing about secret plans. It's obnoxious. But then my friend spilled the beans accidentally, but it was ok. It was a great plan.
We were going to Lannie's Clocktower Cabaret! I have been wanting to go see a show there for a long time. It was a great plan, he had some friends on board already, I just needed to decide where I wanted to eat. Since the cabaret is on the 16th street mall, we decided on The Cheesecake Factory. I like it because they have something for everyone, but that's also a reason that I kind of hate it. The menu is insanely long, and I always have a hard time choosing what to eat anyway. I prefer fewer choices, it cuts down on my browsing time. I think I had some buffalo chicken wrap thingys, good but not amazing. Colleen had the Cashew Chicken, and it was fantastic. I'm toying with looking up a copycat recipe to make it soon. But really, who goes there for dinner anyway? It's all about dessert, hence the name! I got the Chris's Outrageous Cheesecake, which was like, chocolate cake, brownie, and coconut chocolate chip cheesecake. Amazing. The server said it was their most underrated kind. We had about 15 people for dinner, some of them thoroughly offending neighboring tables, so after dinner we moved on to The Tilted Kilt where we could be a little rowdy. I had never been there, and I thought it would be a little more of a bar, but it was more like a restaurant, so we just sat around and talked which was nice too. They serve a birthday shot called a Blow Job, no joke, that I had to take without my hands. It was topped with whipped cream and scrumptious! The other drink specials were underwhelming for sure.
After drinks we headed over to the clock tower. The clock tower is this beautiful building downtown that has a cabaret in the basement. They host all kinds of shows, mostly with adult themes, but some comedy and other things too. We had purchased tickets earlier in the week, they recommend that you do. My brother Justin didn't, because he was going to pay cash, and he couldn't get in because it sold out that afternoon. Definitely a bummer for him, he would have enjoyed the show. The burlesque show is all about the art of the striptease, and less about the nudity. There was a variety of acts, like an aerialist, a belly dancer, a fan dancer, and some group dances. We had VIP tickets, so that meant front row, and I had to get on stage and shake my stuff! It was a very fun silly time.
Update: Dave and I went back this year for my 31st birthday, for the Lights! Camera! Hollywood show, which was a burlesque tribute to all things hollywood. We enjoyed it so much more than the first time we went. We're pretty big movie fans, so it was right up our alley. There was a Star Wars dance, Gilligans Island, Cleopatra, and our favorite was a very sad and haunting Marilyn Monroe piece. It was set to Gotye's song "Hearts a mess" from The Great Gatsby, and the dancer was fantastic, portraying such a sad longing, and she was a spot on Marilyn. I definitely would recommend Lannie's as a wonderful place to spend the evening with adult friends!
I am going to start writing a new post topic for Thursdays. I'm going to revisit some memories and occasions that I have pics of from before I had a blog. We have had a lot happen in the last few years alone to take up quite a bit of blog space, so I want to share some with my readers, and maybe give more details about things than my Facebook status would. Some future events to be covered will include our wedding and honeymoon of course, but also our move to Hawai'i and back, and many other events. Look for these post about once a month.
First up, a recent fun time was my 30th birthday in October. The big 3 0h. I had been looking forward to my birthday for awhile. I like my birthday... make that LOVE my birthday. Ask my family, and they'll tell you I'm kind of a diva about it. It usually is a week long celebration of me, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. My birthday is in October, all by itself, while everyone else in my immediate family has birthdays in either March or July, just a few days apart. So, obviously, I milk it for all it's worth. And it's usually worth a few dinners out, a homemade one from Mom, and a day with my Hubby. We both took the day off this year, it was a Monday, so it was nice to hang out together.
Since it was my 30th, I wanted to do something fun and different. I love my husband, but he has a problem. He is the, "Well, I was gonna..." guy. Every year, I get a list of I was gonna's. He was gonna book this trip, he was gonna buy these tickets, he was gonna get me such and such, but for whatever reason didn't. It drives me absolutely bonkers! I don't want to hear about everything he was gonna do and didn't, because then I want those things, and we usually just end up going to the mall and out to eat. So this year I told him that I didn't care what we did or where we went, I just wanted him to make a plan. That's all I asked for, him to make a plan. So he did, but he has a thing about secret plans. It's obnoxious. But then my friend spilled the beans accidentally, but it was ok. It was a great plan.
We were going to Lannie's Clocktower Cabaret! I have been wanting to go see a show there for a long time. It was a great plan, he had some friends on board already, I just needed to decide where I wanted to eat. Since the cabaret is on the 16th street mall, we decided on The Cheesecake Factory. I like it because they have something for everyone, but that's also a reason that I kind of hate it. The menu is insanely long, and I always have a hard time choosing what to eat anyway. I prefer fewer choices, it cuts down on my browsing time. I think I had some buffalo chicken wrap thingys, good but not amazing. Colleen had the Cashew Chicken, and it was fantastic. I'm toying with looking up a copycat recipe to make it soon. But really, who goes there for dinner anyway? It's all about dessert, hence the name! I got the Chris's Outrageous Cheesecake, which was like, chocolate cake, brownie, and coconut chocolate chip cheesecake. Amazing. The server said it was their most underrated kind. We had about 15 people for dinner, some of them thoroughly offending neighboring tables, so after dinner we moved on to The Tilted Kilt where we could be a little rowdy. I had never been there, and I thought it would be a little more of a bar, but it was more like a restaurant, so we just sat around and talked which was nice too. They serve a birthday shot called a Blow Job, no joke, that I had to take without my hands. It was topped with whipped cream and scrumptious! The other drink specials were underwhelming for sure.
After drinks we headed over to the clock tower. The clock tower is this beautiful building downtown that has a cabaret in the basement. They host all kinds of shows, mostly with adult themes, but some comedy and other things too. We had purchased tickets earlier in the week, they recommend that you do. My brother Justin didn't, because he was going to pay cash, and he couldn't get in because it sold out that afternoon. Definitely a bummer for him, he would have enjoyed the show. The burlesque show is all about the art of the striptease, and less about the nudity. There was a variety of acts, like an aerialist, a belly dancer, a fan dancer, and some group dances. We had VIP tickets, so that meant front row, and I had to get on stage and shake my stuff! It was a very fun silly time.
Update: Dave and I went back this year for my 31st birthday, for the Lights! Camera! Hollywood show, which was a burlesque tribute to all things hollywood. We enjoyed it so much more than the first time we went. We're pretty big movie fans, so it was right up our alley. There was a Star Wars dance, Gilligans Island, Cleopatra, and our favorite was a very sad and haunting Marilyn Monroe piece. It was set to Gotye's song "Hearts a mess" from The Great Gatsby, and the dancer was fantastic, portraying such a sad longing, and she was a spot on Marilyn. I definitely would recommend Lannie's as a wonderful place to spend the evening with adult friends!
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