As I'm sure you all know, this sucks...

Well, this blog is going to take a depressing turn for a bit. But only people who know me follow it, and you all know what's going on anyway.  I just thought I might as well use it as a voice to express myself right now, and a lot of what I'm going through has to do with being a mom, so it's all the same.

To start off, I have to just state the obvious. This sucks.  For those of you that don't know, my husband of almost 4 years passed away very unexpectedly on July 3rd.  He was in the hospital sick with what we thought was viral meningitis, and developed a staph infection in his blood, which went into his brain and killed his brain stem.  It was shocking and heartbreaking and sudden and the worst thing that has ever happened to me.  It may be melodramatic, but it's true.  Dave was my best friend, my other half, my partner for life.  We were those silly kids who said we would never divorce, that we were set for life.  We were scarily the same person so much of the time, like, literally finishing each others thoughts.  We had so much in common, like music and movies and politics, and we both would choose to hang to with each other over anyone else.  I don't know many other relationships like that.

I'm not saying things were perfect, they were not, but they also weren't bad.  We had our issues, like I loved camping, and he HATED it, but he went for me, and for AJ, who I had already brought over to the dark side.  I could not care less about most things car related, but that doesn't mean I didn't listen to him talk about them for hours on end.  Or tag along as he went to drive something new and fast.  We disagreed about certain things, but never fought for long.  I would take any one of those days that we were arguing over any of these days though.  He always used to tell me that our worst days together were better than our best days apart.  And I agree.

These days suck.  These days are busy with all the crap I have to do now, accounts to close, things to apply for, appointments to made.  They are also full of the things we have always done, going to the gym, playdates, having dinner with my parents, to try and give AJ's life a little bit of normalcy, not to mention distract me from this shit storm once in awhile.  But I still find myself wondering how his day at work is going, until I remember.  I go to bed after tucking the boys in, (alone) because sometimes sleeping is better than sitting alone on front of the TV.  Late night was always our time to finally be alone together.  And now it's understandably depressing.  I'm surrounded by love and support on so many sides, family, friends, church, gym, Daves co-workers and high school friends, but despite all of that, I am unbearably lonely.

I've been inundated with delicious meals, and absolutely blessed by the generosity of people who loved and knew Dave, and even those who didn't. So many offers to help that I wouldn't know where to start if I was the type to ask, but I'm not.  This is all so overwhelming, and confusing.  Somedays I feel ok, like life will go on, I will get through this, ever the realist.  And some days it buries me in despair, not just the missing him, which is endless, but the stress and the single parenting, which is it's own craptastic adventure.  I'll do my best to keep updating this blog now, letting you all know "How I'm doing..." , the worlds most asked question.  I generally answer that we're doing ok, or as well as can be expected, those answers are the most true.  I'm not one to tell people how bad it really is, but sometimes, it's terrible.  People keep telling me how strong I am, and I try, but just FYI, this really F*ing sucks.