The things I won't do with my child and why...

I know that we've all had this thought or conversation at some point before having children.  We see a mother doing something in the store, or hear a story on the news about a child who was injured because of something stupid that a parent did or didn't do.  We say to ourselves, "I will NEVER do that with my children!"  And the reality is that we don't know what that person is going through, or the whole story, like maybe they have a special needs child or some other circumstance.  I myself have had this conversation many times; coming from a child care background I feel like I have picked up on many things that don't work with children, or can be damaging to their psyche.  No, I am not an expert by any means, but these are a few things that I don't plan on doing with my children, the reason, and an alternative suggestion.

1. I will not force my children to say sorry.  I feel like this is teaching our children to lie from the very beginning, and taking away their free will.  Yes, as adults, I'm sure that we sometimes say, "I'm sorry" just to avoid hurting someones feelings, but we have the emotional maturity to decide that for ourselves.  Rather than force an apology, you can ask the child what they can do to make the person feel better.  That way they can decide for themselves whether it should be a sorry, a hug, or drawing them a picture.  Set an example for them by genuinely apologizing when you've made a mistake and they will follow your example.  Ordering them instead of asking them is making them a robot.

2. Along the same lines, I will not make them kiss people they don't want to.  I know we all have those older relatives who say, "Come on, give me a little kiss!" every time we see them, and that's OK, as long as we are giving our children a choice in the matter.  They have so little control of their own lives, that when we take away their personal bodily choices, it is opening up the door for some bad things to possibly take place.  I hate to go there, but having personal experience in this matter makes me especially vigilant.  They say that you never know who could be touching your child inappropriately or making unwanted advances, and that is so very true.  By forcing your children to be affectionate with every family member, you never know who you are making them hug.  I'm not saying that every person that they don't want to kiss is molesting them, but sometimes there is a reason that they are uncomfortable being affectionate with certain people. Follow your child's instincts, again asking them if they would like to kiss, hug, or high-five someone.  Giving children choices makes a world of difference. Also, set a good example for how you would like them to be physical with people.

3. I will not do "time-out".  Time out does not work.  Time out is sending your child away, shaming them.  It tells them, "I can not deal with your right now, go away."  How horrible to give a child that feeling.  Not only that, but does it ever really work? Not that I've seen.  I know people that use TO's, but the behaviors never go away, so their children are constantly in time out.  I feel like talking about the situation is a much better way to handle it, and also opens up a dialog about appropriate behavior and good choices.  Let children experience the natural consequences of their actions instead. I found this blog post to be extremely helpful and very simple. http://barefootbarn.wordpress.com/2010/03/04/time-out-doesnt-work/

4. I will not tell my child they are "OK".  I know we all have done this, it is second nature to us. A child falls and bumps something and we immediately say, "You're OK!" with a smile on our face (hopefully), or sometimes frustratedly.  We want our children to feel like they are safe and unharmed, and that intent is great, but again, then you are telling them how to feel, instead of asking.  Just saying, "ARE you OK?" instead of telling them makes a world of difference. It validates their feelings and tells them that you think they are important.  I can't tell you how many times in our toddler class a child would seem to be hurt, but as soon as I asked if they were OK, they were right as rain.  Just give them a chance to tell you how they feel instead of taking the words out of their mouth.  This is also a great way to tell if they actually are hurt, or more scared.  If they say no and are insistent, then we can work on making them feel better.

As you can probably tell, most of these are based on giving children choices and control in regards to their lives.  I have really found that it works so much better, and yes, I've tried it both ways.  Let's raise our children to be compassionate and empathetic human beings instead of automatons.  These are just a few of the more serious things I had on my mind right now, but there are many others, as well as things I said I wouldn't do before he came out that have gone to the dogs now that I really know what being a mother is like.  Have you had these thoughts?  What are the things you've said, "I'll never ..." to?